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Dandekar’s Nifty Guide to Indian Politics

9 March, 2010

This is a sarcastic look at the state of Indian politics today. The problem is that it is true.

First you should ask yourself, are you serious about it? Politics is hard work. Start by noting important points in your notepad such as… when was the last time you committed a murder? How many kids did you beat up in your school? How many teachers? Passing even one of your school exams without copying your answers instantly disqualifies you. Hell, even passing disqualifies you. Being intelligent disqualifies you. Stop using the computer immediately. Otherwise the only chair you will sit on will be the one in front of your computer. … If you never participated in college elections, and by that I mean if you never had attempted murder charges on you when you were in college, that disqualifies you. Never having owned a gun disqualifies you. Never having fired one instantly disqualifies you… Get more weapons… use them… at least on endangered animals if not on men and women and babies… If the only knife you own is the one in the kitchen… please do not choose this career… if ‘die evil onions’ is a phrase that has ever come to your mind… you will never do well in politics. I would suggest you completely give up studies and take up some form of a drug habit and work out three hours a day. Try to beat an innocent man daily for starters. Trust me, it will help. Try to hit a petrol pump as well… How are you going to rig elections and capture ballot boxes if you can’t hold up a stupid grocery store? Maybe you should also become a ladies man if you know what I mean… they say it works wonders. How can you ever enter politics if you think all races are equal? And you should not just hate other races… you should be willing to bash their skulls with blunt weapons… for it is always ‘their fault’. If you even once think it is your fault… that spells instant disqualification my friend. Claiming to be a ‘defendent’ of a religion, or willing to give up your life for a religion helps, but you should never actually be willing to give up your life for religion. In fact, you should be willing to strap a bomb to the chests of the people that follow your religion and send them to explode. If watching them do this very thing does not delight you. Maybe you should pick a softer career such as an in the armed forces. You should also be willing to kill the leader of your own religion and claim that ‘they did it’ at the right time. In fact you should always claim that ‘they did it’. ‘They’ can be anybody you desire to get beaten to death in broad daylight. What? You don’t think anyone deserves to be beaten to death? Pack your bags and go home… I just hit the buzzer to disqualify you.
Loving money is a necessary condition for holding any post in any government but never sufficient. And by loving money, I mean you should be willing to beat up blind beggars to steal their coins… In fact try robbing people as a pass-time. If you succeed, you have another career choice, if you get caught and appear on national tv.. Great! You are off to a flying start already. If you are not that great at robbing, that is always an incentive to print your own money. So some form of technical background may help… but it is rare not to have a technically capable friend in India whom you cannot kidnap or blackmail to do your work for you these days…Bribing people always helps… Bribing cops or anybody for that matter is also a necessary condition… but don’t get too good at it. How will you take bribes if you give them??? If you are better at giving bribes than taking them.. try your hand at some illegal business maybe… but not politics… On the contrary, having an illegal business background helps a lot in politics. You could use your ill-gotten fortune for funding your campaign. Or you could just take a bribe from a friend to facilitate his/her illegal business when elected. But then the funds are always limited in these cases. The advantage in the latter case however is that you can always backtrack on your promises. Which brings me to probably the most important point of all!!! Lying is an absolute MUST in politics! Jot that down in bold letters in your mind. Lying with a straight face is a thing of the past. You should be good at lying with an emotional face and crying out emphatically to make a point you never ever had, to succeed in politics. There are many that have done quite well on this one ability alone… Always lie daily to practice this. Lie to your parents, lie to your friends, lie to your teachers, lie to people unknown to you. Lie to anybody you come across. Manipulate people into committing crimes. A little pedagogy goes a long way in politics. Lie to your significant other/others(+1point). Fake a prayer to God. Stand in front of the mirror and lie to yourself. If you don’t see the guy in the mirror clapping in awe, try again. WHAT??? Did you say you cannot lie??? What a big waste of my time?!?! Why are you even reading this then??? What were you thinking? I write this awesome guide and this is what I get. baaah… I am better off manipulating my resume.

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From → humour, philosophy

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